The Problem with "At Least": Embracing Genuine Empathy (Especially During the Holidays)

Even amidst the festive cheer, the holiday season can underscore deeper sorrows—reflecting on the year's hardships can stir up a mix of emotions. The past year, 2023, has been fraught with global and personal tragedies—from wars and natural disasters to personal losses like the death of loved ones or the pain of divorce. These events remind us that, sometimes, tragedy feels inescapable.

While it's common to try and find solace in counting our blessings, I've realized that silver linings often don't help as much as we hope. For instance, after my mom passed away suddenly in 2008, I found myself listing reasons to soften the blow. “At least she was doing something she loved,” or “At least she didn’t suffer.” But deep down, these rationalizations felt hollow against the emotional reality of my loss.

The problem with "at least" is that it diminishes the validity of our true feelings. It suggests a comparative suffering which, frankly, doesn't alleviate the pain. Whether it's a breakup or a divorce without children, minimizing the loss doesn't magically make the emotional impact less significant. According to The Grief Recovery Institute, grief encompasses the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations—feelings that are as tangible and real as any physical loss.

This holiday season, I encourage you to drop the "at least" from your vocabulary. When we use these phrases, we're often trying to offer comfort, but what we might actually be doing is dismissing genuine feelings of sorrow or distress. Instead, try acknowledging, validating, and simply listening.

Rather than saying, “At least they're in a better place,” consider responses like, “Thank you for sharing,” or “I can’t imagine how tough that has been for you.” Such expressions don't just respect the person's feelings; they validate them.

Feelings are normal and natural—they are biological responses that aren't meant to be fixed but experienced. Being present with our emotions, without judgment or quick fixes, allows them to move through us more freely.

If you've ever struggled with the urge to find a silver lining or offer unsolicited advice, remember that compassionate communication is a skill that can be nurtured. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “You can’t do better until you know better.”

Our community at The Compassion Code Academy is here to support you in learning how to communicate with empathy and understanding. To join us and learn more about cultivating these skills, visit The Collective.