What To Do When Life Sucks
Over the last few weeks I have felt this tremendous need and desire to complain. Have you ever felt that way?
As you may have read in my recent email, I am in the middle of a huge life transition—a move across country. While we already made it to Austin, I am still feeling unsettled.
While I know and understand as well as anyone that moving is a massive grieving experience because it is the epitome of the definition of grief: “the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior,” I also feel that old “should” creeping in.
“Shouldn’t I feel excited and grateful?”
The truth is, I am excited and grateful, and I am also sad and uncertain… among many other feelings.
So I asked myself, “What need does complaining fulfill that is not being met right now?”
Here was my answer: I spent so much of my life looking at the bright side that I rarely gave myself permission to complain or grieve.
Complaining is necessary sometimes and can be redefined as venting, releasing, or feeling ALL the feels.
As the complainer or venter, often we just need someone else to hear, acknowledge and validate us by saying, “Thank you for sharing. That sounds hard.”
As the complainer, it sucks to feel negative, low, or like a downer, AND I have come to realize that when I am able to vent, the feelings pass through me much more quickly.
So, if you are like me, and you just need to complain or vent, I suggest you find a safe person who will not judge or try to fix you and say, “Would you mind giving me a safe place to vent for the next 5 minutes? I need to let some things out. You don’t have to fix it or offer advice; all I need is for you to say, “Thank you for sharing, and your feelings are valid.”
As I have been thinking about this unmet desire to complain, I realized that it comes from the fact that there isn’t much space for it. People, including me, want optimism. But where do you put all the other stuff? The gunk. It has to come out somewhere.
I want peace and contentment, but first I must give space for the gunk -- in other words, permission to feel all of my feelings.
Here are the first three steps to move from feeling like “life sucks” to feeling gratitude and peace:
1) Recognize that you have gunk that needs to be removed. (Are you complaining a lot? Are you in a bad mood more often than normal? Are you short with people you love?)
2) Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and normal.
3) Vent. This can be to a safe, non-judgmental listening ear (preferably not someone who will be hurt by what you are saying) or a piece of paper that can receive your words and then be destroyed! The thing is, you have to let it ALL out.
Once you have awareness about what is in there and let it out, then you can take some action to fill yourself back up.
Filling yourself up is unique for everyone. So ask yourself, “what fills me up?” or “what has helped me feel better in the past?”
Here is what I do:
1) Sleep. Whether it is a nap or a full night of uninterrupted sleep, I need it. I wake up a new human.
2) Exercise or movement. Whether I walk, jump, dance, yoga, squat or swim, movement always helps move things through my body.
3) Nutritious food. Feeding myself nourishing, energizing food helps me feel good in my body. While traditional comfort foods have me feeling good in the moment, I limit them when under stress because I tend to feel worse after.
4) Connection and community. Whether it is a text, a phone call or a distanced walk, being in connection with people who fill my cup helps me reset.
5) Healthy touch. Whether it is self massage or a cuddle with my husband, kids, a stuffed animal (or if you have a pet), physical touch helps me come back to life.
6) A good laugh. Be it with friends, family, kids, or clients – no matter who or what, my body loves to laugh.
7) A good cry. Be it with friends, family, kids, or clients – no matter who or what, my body appreciates a good cry. I will even watch a sad movie if I need some help to get it out.
8) Creativity. I love to write, sing, dance, color, and draw, and I can even include others. This helps me be really present.
9) Sunshine and water. I love being outside with sunshine and water. My body loves to be warm.
10) Flow. For me, my work is my happy place because it gives me purpose and helps me feel like my best self.
What fills you up? Feel free to use anything I shared!!
If connection and community is your thing, then join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community where you can begin connecting with others who value compassion, relationship, and connection.
AND if you feel like your grief is big and you are ready to rediscover your light after loss, please schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation.