Throughout life there are moments of deep heartache that break our hearts. These heartaches are also the moments in life that break us open, awaken our souls, and initiate us into the rebirthing process. 

While I have experienced many of those heartbreaking moments myself, my initiation and awakening happened when my mother died. It was the deepest heartache of my life up until that point, and it was also the moment that I began the journey to finding myself (more on that later). 

Let me rewind for a second so I can set the stage of my heartache. After graduating from college, I moved to an island paradise we often called “Neverland.” I was having the time of my life, meeting people from all over the world, and I had just met the man I would later marry.  At what felt like a peak of joy, excitement, and fulfillment, I received the worst news of my life.

I found out that my mom, my best friend, my confidant, my human creator, died in a tragic accident. In that instant, my life changed forever, and yet it wasn’t clear the depth of the change for years to come. While the intensity of my grief ebbed and flowed like the tide, one thing became clear, I would never be the same.

Now, let me interrupt my story for a second to tell you that this heartache, this breaking open, this awakening… it can and does happen from experiences outside of death. Losing ourselves, our light, our way, can happen from any major changes, including the “good” ones. Death, divorce, breakups, losing a job, losing our health or the health of someone we care about, are a few of the ones the we tend to consider challenging. However, the ones that sneak up on us, because they are “supposed to” by societal standards be the exciting ones, are equally capable of breaking us open. These include moments we celebrate like graduating, getting married, getting promoted, moving, becoming parents, becoming empty nesters, and retiring to name a few.

Part of why these seemingly amazing moments in life can be so difficult is because we are taught only to celebrate, not to grieve, but I will come back to that. 

Let’s get back to my story. So here I am, my life is awesome, my mom dies, and I am shocked, devastated, confused, heartbroken, lost… and unsure how to proceed. 

I didn’t want to do anything.  Everything that felt important before felt meaningless. I didn’t know who I was or how to live without my mom.  I wondered if I could ever be happy again.  I felt so sad and so alone. And while I was surrounded by people who loved me, people for whom I am forever grateful, the aching pain of loss was overwhelming.

I really had no idea how to proceed.  At that point it was just one breath, one moment, one day at a time — surviving.

The previous me who was vivacious, contagiously happy, and fearless had gone into hiding and had been replaced by a version of me who was unrecognizable– scared, sad, isolated, confused, and powerless.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how much additional pain came from the ripple of losses that ensued after my mom’s death.  Not only did I lose the unconditional love that my mom provided, I also lost my confidence, my purpose, my joy, and most importantly I lost my sense of self.

It wasn’t until much later that I even acknowledged these losses because I was one of those people who would always try to see the silver lining.  The problem with silver linings is that they often diminish the pain that comes with loss or change. By diminishing my feelings and not allowing myself to truly feel, I put off finding myself, healing my deep heartache and really LIVING for years, ultimately making matters worse.

But even in the darkest days, when I could barely recognize myself, I knew the real me was still in there somewhere.

Feeling lonely and desperate, I reached out to an old friend, Hayley, who had lost her mom a few years earlier. We started going for walks and talking about our moms and our experiences. After our talks, I began noticing a difference in myself and in her, and I realized a story inside without words can lead to shame, resentment, isolation and pain; whereas as story shared with a safe witness can lead to understanding, connection, healing and growth. 

Once I stopped pretending I was fine, acknowledged my grief, and shared the truth of my story, something changed.

I made the decision that I would do whatever it took to LOVE life again and to be or discover who I wanted to be -- my best self.

Looking back, I realize that making those decisions – to stop pretending I was fine, to say yes, to try anything, to just have the DESIRE to thrive — was the first step. 

I am not going to tell you that the journey is easy. Sometimes it is scary, hard, and confusing. Sometimes it just hurts.

But I will say, now, after working with hundreds of people on their journey to fully LIVE and LOVE after being broken open, I realize that the one thing that seems to show up again and again is this question, “Who am I now? And who do I want to be moving forward?” 

While some people seem to continue suffering for years and sometimes for the rest of their lives, others, like me, have taken their heartache and found meaning, purpose, and growth. 

Once I discovered these three elements, it didn’t take long for me and the people who loved me to notice the light in my eyes beginning to flicker and shine again.

In fact, I have taken the pain of my mom’s death and created my life’s work. I became a trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute and after training hundreds of professionals and talking to even more grievers, I realized that very few people felt confident to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens. This led to me writing the International Best-Selling book, The Compassion Code, which is a guide for any caring human who wants to relate more effectively toward others during the challenging moments in life without burning out. And this book has led me to train organizational and family leaders to live and lead with purpose, compassion and connection. And here we are almost 12 years later :)

Let’s be clear, this is my journey. Yours will be yours. It may feel really hard, scary or overwhelming, AND this moment in your life is actually an opportunity. It is an opportunity for you to decide your next steps, your next iteration, your priorities about who you want to be moving forward. 

This is a window of time when you have the chance to become your most authentic, best self. You are awake to your life, and what really matters has a chance to reveal itself.

YOU get the chance to choose. And I am here to be your guide should you choose thriving.

So before you go back to sleep, I want to say this...

While we don’t always choose what happens, we do get the chance to say, “I don’t want to stay stuck here. I don’t want to live the rest of my days as a shell of myself. I don’t want to ignore pain because ignoring pain means missing out on joy.”

So, now it is your chance to choose. 

While survival is imperative and sometimes staying stuck there seems easier, at some point you have to decide if you want to reclaim your joy, your radiance, your thrive. 

I often say to my clients: If you fall off the horse, stay on the ground as long as you need, as the perspective down there can be useful; however, when you are ready to live and love again, reach out, take my hand, and let me guide you through the pain so you can rediscover your light after loss.

While rediscovering your light and truly living your life is a practice, I can tell you from experience that the person I am today is actually more compassionate, alive, purposeful, and connected to who I really am than ever before. My mom’s death broke my heart wide open, AND our relationship in life and after death has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. 

This may feel distant or unfathomable, and I want you to know this: 

No matter what you have been through, no matter how much pain you feel right now, there is hope. I know because I am you, and I have seen people transform over and over again. 

Whether you have been broken open by a divorce, the death of someone you love, losing yourself in motherhood, or “simply” because life hasn’t turned out the way you thought and you’re are deeply disappointed...

When I say you can thrive, live, feel radiant, I am NOT saying that you will never feel sad or down again. Rather, truly LIVING means experiencing the full range of human emotion, including joy, sorrow, and everything in between. Living and thriving also means taking empowered action in your life rather than standing by waiting for positive changes to happen to you.

Even though feelings are universal, we often feel scared and utterly alone in our experiences. No one seems to know what to do or say, often reciting age-old platitudes that don’t usually help us feel better. (If you know someone like this, who means well, but always says things that piss you off give the gift of The Compassion Code :)

It may be helpful to know that you are not alone on this journey, and while your hope to thrive may start small, little by little you can rediscover yourself and who you want to be in this world.

When my journey began, I was full of doubt, but I knew that fully LIVING my life was the only way I wanted to live it. 

The only person who can decide whether it is your time to embark on this journey is you. And whatever you choose, it is truly your choice. But if you want to find yourself, your joy, your fullest expression, I’ll share with you exactly how I got here.

Remember, it isn’t about taking a pill, it is about making a choice and choosing it over and over again… each day. 

And that choice is, “I was ready to feel better yesterday. I am sick of hating myself and feeling disconnected in my relationships and in my life.”

If this sounds like you… any of it really, and you are scared shitless but know that you want to LIVE whatever amount of life you have left, please do yourself a favor and say YES. 

Say yes to having a conversation with me about rediscovering your LIGHT no matter what life has thrown at you over the years.