7 Steps to Deal with Your Grief This Holiday Season

You may not like what I am about to say, but humor me for a minute...

What would it be like to embrace this holiday season as an opportunity to create new traditions?

Before you tell me all the reasons why this year has sucked, which I recognize that there is absolute truth in that as well, what would it be like to let go of that sucky-ness feeling for just a minute and ask yourself these questions:

  • How has this year created opportunities for me to do things differently?

  • How have I grown through the pain and challenges that this year presented?

  • Who would I get to be if I let go of the idea that this year only SUCKED?

  • What am I proud of myself for overcoming?

I deeply acknowledge that this year has been full of heartache and hardship. It has been full of so much grief, and as you may recall from my recent blog, I believe that grief must come before gratitude. 

What I am grateful for is the honest conversations about grief that are happening more and more. Grief, as is defined by the Grief Recovery Institute, is the "conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." 

This year is GRIEF. It is the conflicting feelings. It is the change in the familiar. It is what we wish was different. Better. Or more. It is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. 

The challenge is, we are taught to deny and repress all the things that we deem as "bad", rather than giving them a voice, accepting, embracing, and loving ourselves and each other through all of it. 

This year has also exposed a lot of UNRESOLVED grief that exists both individually and collectively, and it can be soooo painful. 

However, the worst thing we can do with unresolved grief and pain is to keep pretending that it doesn't exist. 

So what can you do this holiday season, that is full of conflicting feelings that come when things change?

Here is what I suggest: 

Step 1) Acknowledge (to a safe person who isn't going to deny your feelings or experience) and say, "gosh, I miss.... and it won't be the same without them this year." Or, "This holiday season feels so depressing/different/lonely/new... and I don't know what to do with all of that." "I am actually grateful that we don't have to drive/fly/go anywhere and that we can make our own new traditions (but I feel guilty saying that aloud."

Step 2) Validate and accept the feelings as okay. Sit with the feelings. Journal about the feelings. Share (again with a safe, non-judgemental listener). Feel the sensations in your body.

Step 3) Give yourself compassion for all the feelings. Recognize that while each of our experiences is unique, our feelings are UNIVERSAL. Be kind to yourself about the feelings you have, even the ones you may feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed about.... recognizing that if you feel them, someone else (and likely many, many others) do too! Look at yourself in the mirror and say some version of, "You are okay. You are not alone."

Step 4) Release it. Once you have properly felt it, shared it, written about it, honored it, and maybe even thanked the feelings... you can let them go. Letting go can be experienced in many ways. Through creative expressions like music, art, writing, or dance... you can release the feelings that have been stuck in your body. Meditation, massage, and movement can also be helpful. 

(If you need more support for ANY part of this process, especially step 4, reply to this email or schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation here)

Step 5) Decide what you would like to feel moving forward. "I want to feel... peace/love/connection/gratitude/lightness/etc." Then ask yourself, "What is my greatest fear if I allow myself to feel these feelings instead?"

Step 6) Create some new rituals. This does not mean you have to throw out the old ones forever... just give yourself permission to try on a new one without guilt. As we teach in the Grief Recovery world, "guilt is the intention to harm." 

Here are some options for new rituals: 

  • Do something nice for yourself.

  • Honor a loved one by doing something that honors their memory.

  • Share fond memories with people who care about you.

  • Do something nice for others.

Step 7) Remember, you are not alone! And perhaps for the first time in history, people are actually aware of how much grief there truly is all around us. You don't have to pretend to be "fine" if you aren't, and it may even give someone permission to be emotionally honest with you too. 

If you want to know how to do that without a vulnerability hangover (you know that feeling you get after you share and the other person looks at you like.... "ugh, I wish I knew what to say and now I feel soooo awkward) then check out my free webinar: 3 Steps to Move from Isolation to Connection After Losing Someone You Love to support yourself this holiday season.  

From my heart to yours as you navigate this holiday season.

Laura Jack