How to Support a Friend from Afar (Video)
Hey there!
Today the question that came in was, “How do we support our friends who are going through hard times even though we're far apart? And what do we say?”
Here is how I do it:
When sending via, text message, a private message via messenger, or email, you can say, “I heard about (whatever it was that happened), and I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. I would love to support you.”
Offer them a time. “Are you available today or tomorrow?” Then rather than ask them what time works, offer them a mode of communication (FaceTime, Zoom, phone call) and few times that you are available and let them choose. This facilitates the meeting and makes it so they only have to decide between 2-3 slots, rather than their whole schedule.
You can also offer this; “If you’d like to postpone and have me check-in in a week, please let me know. That’s ok too. I just want to be here for you.
When communicating, here are a few things you can say:
“I am sending you a big hug.”
“I wish that I could be there for you physically.”
“This is so hard that we can't be together (or that I can't support you in physical presence.)”
If they don't respond, give them a day or two. You can then write back, “Hey, just checking in. Thinking about you. I'm sure you're busy, I'd love to be supportive/I'd love to be there for you/Please tell me if there's a way that I can support you.”
Again, give them some options. When people are going through hard times, it's always better to give them a couple options.
When they say, “Yes, I’d like to talk,” here is what you say:
“I'm so thankful for taking the time to talk to me, I know that this is a crazy time.
“What's going on?” “What happened?”
If you don't know what happened yet, or if you want to hear from their mouth, you can say so. And if they are going to be upset or they're going to cry just know that's okay.
You don't have to take that on. You're not creating it; they're already feeling those feelings, and you're just giving them a safe space for them to be heard.
After you ask, “What's going on? What happened?” all while being caring, curios, confidential, and without judgment, you say:
“Thank you so much for sharing.” (A gratitude)
“That totally makes sense that you're feeling the feelings you’re having.” (Validating and acknowledging the feelings they’re having).
“I can't imagine what that's like; thank you so much for sharing that with me.” (No two experiences are the same!)
“Letting you know that I am here.”
“Your feelings are valid and what you're saying makes sense.” (Acknowledging).
I always end with: “Thank you for sharing that with me.” What this says is that I am a safe place and I appreciate that they feel safe enough to tell me whatever's going on.
If they cry, or they're sad, or they're mad, I just listen. I acknowledge. I don’t try to fix it. To acknowledge and validate you can say, “It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to cry. It’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling right now.”
Our goal as supportive friends is to normalize the other person's experience.
In summary:
Reach out.
Ask for specific times and days that we can support that person. Get on the phone, FaceTime, Zoom, etc.
Ask them, “What's going on? What's happened? Do you want to share some more details with me?” Say, “I'm here to listen.”
They tell you what is going on.
You say, “Thank you for sharing. That makes sense. Your feelings are valid.” (You normalize their experience.)
End with gratitude.
Ask, “Would it be helpful if we checked in again in a week?” Say, “I'd love to know how you're doing and love to check in on you.”
End in a virtual hug (and give yourself a big self-hug!)
Remember to reach out again by putting it on your calendar
These are my suggestions for helping support a friend who's far away! Stay safe, healthy, and sane.
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