"It's okay, I love you."

These are the words many of us desperately want to hear from those we love. Most of my life, I've sought the approval of others. The challenge with approval-seeking, perfectionism, and people-pleasing is that they are exhausting and often rob us of our authenticity, energy, and joy.

I often shape-shifted to fit in, taking pride in my ability to be a chameleon. The downside of being a chameleon, constantly adapting to please others, is that it often means losing touch with your own likes, dislikes, and desires.

I spent much of my life being "easy-going" because it was simpler to yield to the person with the strongest opinion. But at what point do you lose touch with your own opinions, wants, and needs?

If you typically know what you want, this may not resonate with you. However, it might be helpful to consider if the people in your life are yielding to you. It can be insightful to ask them, "What do you want?"

One of the things I most wanted to hear is, "It's okay. I love you." This isn't about condoning hurtful behaviors but about accepting people as they are. For example, imagine that during your teenage years, you failed a test. Instead of hiding it from your parents out of fear of their judgment, imagine they said, "It's okay. I love you. How can I support you around this? Are you feeling surprised? Disappointed?"

Often, we are already beating ourselves up so badly that having someone close be hard on us can be incredibly painful and rarely helpful for motivation.

Most of the time, as children, what we want is unconditional love and acceptance. We don't want to be afraid to tell the truth. You can wish, hope, and pray for acceptance and approval from your parents, spouse, children, boss, etc., but the reality is that the person whose approval you most need is your own. Consider this, if other people's judgments are typically reflections of how you feel about yourself, is part of you holding back your approval for yourself?

If this is a struggle for you, try saying this phrase to yourself throughout the day: "It's okay, [your name]. I love you." It may seem silly, but your approval is actually the most important. When we approve of ourselves, it usually allows us to be more curious and approving of others. When we are more accepting of others, we build connection, and this healthy connection is a key indicator for happiness.

Take a moment today to look in the mirror and say, "It's okay. I love you." Notice how it feels and let it sink in. This simple practice can be transformative. You deserve to receive unconditional love—starting with yourself.

Try it out. Let me know how it goes. You are worthy of your own love and compassion.

In the car the other day, my husband, Aaron, was playing all these different songs, asking Ayla, my 9-year-old, "Do you like this one?" Ayla responded, "No." "Do you like this one?" he would say. Again, "No."

This happened several more times before Aaron finally responded, “You are very particular.”

Then Ayla shared a response that totally surprised me.

She says, “Obviously. I am a Scorpio.”

Holding back my laughter, I beamed with pride.

I couldn't help but admire Ayla's confidence. Instead of being defensive and saying, "I'm not particular..."—which we so often do when someone says something that we deem as "not good"—she absolutely took ownership of being particular, and she embraced it as a positive trait.

This reminded me of a client from years ago who was saying how her husband was always calling her "bossy." I responded, "Are you bossy?" She laughed and shyly responded, "Yes." "Have you been this way throughout your whole relationship?" "Yes," she said. "So what if... he likes that you are the boss? And what if the next time he calls you bossy you say, 'Thank you. Yes, I am.'" She laughed and agreed.

There is immense power in owning who we are. When we stop resisting our true selves and start embracing our unique qualities, we not only become more confident but also more authentic. This authenticity allows us to connect more deeply with others and to live more fully and freely.

Just as Ayla confidently owned being particular, we can all learn to embrace our traits—whether we're bossy, "extra," particular, quiet, or anything else. These qualities make us who we are, and when we own them with confidence, we can navigate the world with greater ease and joy.

So, let's take a page from Ayla's book and proudly own our unique qualities. After all, they are what make us beautifully, uniquely ourselves.

For many years, I have been on a path to overcome people-pleasing, approval addiction, and perfectionism. These are deeply ingrained habits that can be challenging to break.

The antidote to all three?

Self-compassion.

Recently, this journey has shown up in my parenting. While I strive to be a loving, present, thoughtful, and caring mother, I also find myself battling impatience, frustration, disappointment, and distraction. My boundaries can sometimes feel spiky, and I don’t like it when I am unkind—neither do my kids. Yet, I am human.

I hold myself to a ridiculously high standard in all areas of my life: as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a leader, a coach, and a business owner. The reason I teach self-compassion is because it is my daily work. Being gentle with myself when I am not perfect can be tough. Sometimes, being human is tough.

However, if I am passionate about everyone feeling their feelings, I must remember that I am someone, too. My feelings matter.

When you are the one who gives, it can be hard to remember to give to yourself. This is your reminder: You deserve compassion, too.

As you navigate your own journey, I encourage you to practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself, acknowledge your humanity, and remember that you, too, are deserving of the love and care you so freely give to others.

My mom would have been 73 this week.

She loved her birthday. This week I went back and found the old journal that I had written her eulogy in. I read it aloud to my dear friend and soul sister and cried the whole time. I cried for my 25 year old self who stood on that podium in front of 1,000 people in a state of shock who didn’t shed a tear in an attempt to be strong — which I now understand as pretending to be fine.

I cried for the part of me who has had to step in as my own mother while I simultaneously mother my own children.

If you can imagine, it can be exhausting to mother myself sometimes.

In the same breath, I am so grateful for the amazing example I learned from my mom.

As I read my eulogy for the first time in 15 years, I realized that the way I described my mom:

“She was so cool… not in a trying to be cool kind of way, but in a ‘I am exactly who I am kind of way’… she was just so real”

…is just how I am like her.

I will continue to honor her memory everyday by being in service to myself, my family, my community and the world.

This week I did a bunch of things she loved:
1) swim 🏊‍♀️ lap or laps
2) go for a walk
3) write a thank you note
4) buy yourself or someone you love a thoughtful gift
5) eat some frozen yogurt or gelato

If any of these things resonate with you, please choose one and do it in honor of my beautiful mom!

Or, better yet, do something in honor of someone you love who is no longer with you!

With love and in honor of the original compassionate leader!

Travel often tops the list when we dream about what we'd do with unlimited resources. Having traveled extensively myself, I know firsthand how these experiences shape us. Recently, I had the joy of sharing the beauty of Costa Rica with my children—revisiting a place that was a significant part of my own youth.

Adventure Mixed with Challenge

Our trip was a blend of breathtaking landscapes and the raw realities of travel—mosquito nets, bumpy car rides, and unfamiliar foods. These challenges pushed all of us out of our comfort zones, offering a chance to grow and adapt. It's the essence of travel: it tests our limits and expands our capacity to handle discomfort.

Embracing Discomfort—A Gateway to Growth

Sharing these moments with close friends and their children turned potential struggles into cherished memories. This experience reminded me of the importance of not diminishing our feelings by comparing them to others’. Whether someone has it "worse" or "better," our feelings are valid and deserve recognition.

The Unconditional Loveline Collective: A Space for Shared Human Experiences

In our monthly membership, The Unconditional Loveline Collective, we dive into these themes of self-awareness and compassion. This week, I’m excited to share a 7-minute clip from our recent session discussing the pitfalls of "compare and despair," and the power of validating our feelings.

Watch the 7-minute teaching and coaching clip here!

If this resonates with you, check out The Unconditional Loveline Collective.  Your presence, whether active or as a supportive listener, enriches our community. It's about stepping into new experiences supportively and courageously.

Let's Learn and Grow Together

Embracing discomfort, be it through a night in a tropical setting or asserting personal boundaries, is a profound journey of growth. Join us as we continue to explore and expand the ways we connect with ourselves and each other.

Boundaries come up quite often these days, and this last weekend I had the privilege of speaking at an Art of Boundaries Event with my dear friend, Rose.

We shared boundary wins and then talked about boundaries as a beacon of self-respect, empowerment, and ultimately, as a cornerstone for effective leadership.

Here are some of the teachings I shared:

The Essence of Boundaries

Boundaries are not just about saying "no" – they're about recognizing and honoring our wants, needs, and capacities. One key insight we explored is the importance of identifying what we truly want and need before we can communicate our boundaries effectively. This self-awareness is the first step towards living and leading with integrity.

The Value of a Pause

So often, we rush to say "yes" in an attempt to please others, sidelining our own needs in the process. I shared the importance of allowing ourselves the space to pause and reflect: "Thank you for the invitation. Let me get back to you." This simple practice gives us the chance to check in with ourselves, ensuring that our decisions align with our true desires and capacities.

The Uncomfortable Yet Crucial Practice

Creating and maintaining boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if we're not accustomed to prioritizing our own needs. However, the discomfort of setting boundaries pales in comparison to the long-term consequences of neglecting ourselves. Not only do boundaries prevent burnout and resentment, but they also cultivate trust and authenticity in our relationships.

Consider this powerful reminder from Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed: "Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

Invitation to Growth

Join the Unconditional Love-Line Collective: An online community membership where we focus on our growth and healing in the areas of self-compassion and self-love (including boundaries). Learn more here !

If this resonates, join us as we chart a course towards heart-centered leadership where we'll learn how to navigate life's demands with grace, ensuring our own cups are full so we can pour into others without depleting ourselves.

Have you ever considered that amidst our quests for success, the most significant obstacle we face might be our own internal limits? It's an intriguing thought—one that challenges us to look inward at our responses to prosperity and well-being.

Confronting Our Upper Limit

Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap, introduces us to the concept of the upper limit—our subconscious ceiling for how much happiness, success, and love we believe we deserve. It's an internal thermostat setting that, when exceeded, can lead us to self-sabotage, pulling us back into the realm of the familiar and comfortable.

Lately, as I've navigated a series of professional highs, engaging client work, and personal happiness, I've felt an undercurrent of anxiety. The fear of losing it all or the apprehension of becoming too comfortable loomed large. It dawned on me: feeling "good" can sometimes feel strangely uncomfortable.

Embracing Curiosity Over Judgment

What if, instead of recoiling at the brink of our successes, we leaned into them with curiosity? Imagine the growth and fulfillment awaiting us if we dared to push beyond the boundaries we've unconsciously set for ourselves.

Reflect: When have you recently surpassed your own expectations?
Observe: What emotions surface in response to your achievements?
Question: How can embracing curiosity lead you to uncharted territories of your potential?

As we mark four years since the world was enveloped in the uncertainty of the COVID-19 lockdown, it's a poignant time to honor both the grief and the immense growth we've experienced individually and collectively. This unprecedented period of loss—of normalcy, of physical closeness, and for many, of loved ones—has undeniably changed us. Yet, amidst this global grief, there lies a powerful undercurrent of transformation known as Post Traumatic Growth.

The journey through loss and grief is incredibly painful, yet it offers a unique opportunity for profound self-discovery and re-alignment with our deepest values and desires. It prompts a shift in priorities, a re-evaluation of relationships, and a newfound appreciation for life. In essence, the adversity becomes a catalyst for uncovering and living as our most authentic selves.

In the wake of the pandemic, many of us have found ourselves questioning who we are, what truly matters, and how we want to spend our precious time. This period has been a window for deep reflection, re-discovery, and re-prioritization, awakening us to the essence of what it means to live fully.

Here are the symptoms of Post Traumatic Growth:

1. A New Appreciation for Life: Each moment feels more precious.

2. Changed Sense of Priorities: Understanding what's truly important.

3. Warmer, More Intimate Relationships: Deepening bonds with those we cherish.

4. Greater Sense of Personal Strength: Recognizing our resilience.

5. Recognition of New Possibilities: Opening up to new paths and opportunities.

As we continue to navigate this period of transformation, consider these questions to help you consciously create space for your own growth and well-being:

• How have your relationships changed during this time, and what have you learned from these changes?

• What activities have you found to be energizing? Which ones have felt draining, and why?

• Reflect on your accomplishments during this challenging period. What are you most proud of, and what do these achievements reveal about your resilience and strengths?

• In what ways do you live out your values on a daily basis? How have these values guided your actions and decisions in times of loss or change, including the collective experience of the pandemic?

Taking time for such introspection is crucial for thriving after any form of loss. Allow yourself to explore these questions and embrace the insights they bring.

As we reflect on the past four years, let's approach our journeys with curiosity instead of judgment, opening ourselves to the transformative power of Post Traumatic Growth.

Remember, awareness and choice are key to nurturing our well-being and courageously pursuing the lives we aspire to lead.

In moments of quiet reflection or amidst the hustle of daily life, have you ever found yourself wrestling with thoughts like, "I'm doing it wrong," "What's wrong with me?" or "Everyone else seems to be ahead of me"?

If so, you're not alone.

We, as humans, are experts at being our own harshest critics. This tendency to belittle ourselves, while sparing others from such harsh judgments, is a common trap that can lead to a cycle of negativity and self-doubt.

The Challenge of Self-Harming Thoughts

It's essential to recognize that while negative self-talk might feel normal, it serves neither you nor those around you. When we're caught in the spiral of self-criticism, extending kindness to others becomes a Herculean task. The link between how we treat ourselves and how we treat others is undeniable and profound.

A Moment for Self-Compassion

What if, starting today, we made a collective commitment to embrace self-compassion, even if just for a moment? The journey to change begins with awareness. Can you catch yourself in the act of self-criticism? Recognizing these moments is the first step toward transformation.

Baby Steps Toward Self-Kindness

The next time you catch yourself in a whirlwind of negative self-talk, leading you down the path of anxiety or depression, pause. Take a breath. This is your opportunity to take a baby step toward self-kindness.

Here are a few practical tips to guide you on this journey:

**Acknowledge Your Feelings: Give yourself permission to feel without judgment.
**Speak to Yourself Like a Friend: Would you say those harsh words to someone you care about? Offer yourself the same kindness and understanding.
**Celebrate Small Wins: Every step towards self-compassion is progress. Recognize and celebrate your efforts, no matter how small.

You Are Not Alone

Remember, your journey towards self-compassion is not just a personal victory; it's a collective triumph. As we each work to change the narrative within, we contribute to a world where kindness and compassion are the norms, not the exceptions.

Together, let's make self-compassion our mission. Our community is here to support you, offering a safe space to share, learn, and grow together. Click here to learn more about The Unconditional Loveline Collective.

Last week brought a cherished opportunity to reconnect with college friends after years apart. Despite my personal growth in self-love, self-compassion, and acceptance, I harbored fears that our paths had diverged too much. Would they still understand and accept me, especially with my new name, Laylani, and the spiritual journey that has transformed me profoundly?

Their acceptance was not only immediate but also heartwarming. My friend Rach's words, "These transformations are still very on-brand for you," resonated deeply, reminding me that the fears of judgment we often fear are merely reflections of our own self-judgments.

This reunion underscored a powerful lesson captured by a quote I recently encountered: "If you're going to be weird, be confident about it." My own 'weirdness,' or unique journey, is precisely what I believe the world needs. I champion self-love and self-compassion not just as teachings but as vital nourishments for my soul.

As I continue to walk this path of love and compassion, I want to share the insights and opportunities that enrich my journey. Whether it’s through reading and sharing articles, attending local events in Austin, tuning into podcasts, or engaging with the Compassion Code Academy, your involvement is immensely meaningful.

Let us celebrate our unique paths and the distinctiveness that each of us brings to the table. It’s in embracing our true selves that we can truly make a difference. Here's to the beauty of our weirdness and the impact it has when we are confidently ourselves.

Sixteen years ago, I lost my precious mother. Just a few weeks ago, as another anniversary passed, I found myself wrestling with a familiar, haunting question: “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?”

This moment of self-doubt strikes a chord that is all too familiar, not just for me, but for anyone navigating the choppy waters of grief. It’s curious how we can become our own harshest critics, especially under the duress of stress and exhaustion. This self-judgment starkly contradicts everything I advocate for in my teachings about embracing our emotions as essential parts of the human experience.

What I am continually relearning is that grief does not adhere to a linear timeline. Anniversaries, birthdays, or even hearing a favorite song can evoke profound feelings. These moments remind us to “feel big” and embrace our emotions fully. Over time, I’ve learned that the more space I allow myself to feel, to cry, and to acknowledge my grief, the less intense the pain becomes during those previously overwhelming "special days."

This realization has led me to a deeper understanding: our feelings are always valid, encompassing grief and every facet of life. If self-judgment haunts you, particularly during times of change, I invite you to join a community committed to navigating these emotions together.

The Unconditional Love Line Collective (formerly known as The Compassion Collective) is a sanctuary where we explore the art of managing emotions, cultivating self and mutual compassion, and mastering effective communication. This community is for those who seek to transform their relationship with themselves and others through heartfelt understanding and support.

If you’re ready to explore this journey and connect with kindred spirits, join us by clicking here. Let’s embrace our feelings together, acknowledging that even when grief revisits, we are not alone in our experiences.

In the intricate dance of human relationships, confronting the disappointment of others is an unavoidable part of our existence, especially for those of us who have journeyed through life as people-pleasers. This week, I found myself navigating this familiar terrain once again, reflecting deeply on its profound impact.

From a young age, my drive to avoid disappointing others steered me towards a path of perfectionism. This pursuit, while well-intentioned, often led to burnout and self-sacrifice, revealing the unsustainable nature of seeking flawlessness in an inherently imperfect world.

The journey to unravel the layers of people-pleasing has been transformative. It has taught me to extend love and grace to myself, even in moments of failure. Learning that disappointing others is a natural part of life was a critical milestone. It taught me that disappointment is often not malicious; it's usually just a byproduct of our limitations as humans who can't read minds or meet every expectation.

Sometimes, the disappointment we cause is unintentional. Other times, it results from making tough decisions that honor our inner truth over external expectations. In these moments, offering an apology for any unintended hurt can be a powerful act of kindness—it doesn't diminish our self-worth but reinforces our integrity.

Practical Steps for Self-Compassion:

As I continue to grow, I've adopted several practices to help manage the impact of others' disappointment:

• Own Your Part and Apologize When Needed: Recognizing our role in a situation and apologizing can be empowering. It helps mend relationships and is essentially an act of forgiving ourselves.

• Deep Breath and Self-Affirmation: In moments of criticism or disapproval, I remind myself, "I love myself enough." This mantra helps to soothe and reaffirm my commitment to self-love and acceptance.

If these reflections resonate with you, and you're seeking a community that values growth and compassion, consider joining The Unconditional Love Line Collective. Here, we support each other in developing compassion for ourselves and mastering effective communication, empowering each other to navigate life's challenges with grace.

In closing, disappointing others is not a measure of our worth but a part of our human experience. By embracing this, we open ourselves to genuine growth and deeper connections, both with ourselves and those around us. Let's continue to support one another in this journey, fostering a world where compassion leads the way.