Mother's Day, like all holidays, can bring a mixture of emotions. While we all technically have a mother, what happens after birth varies greatly.I had no idea how challenging Mother's Day could be until my mom died because most of my life it was just a day where our family did something nice for our mom.

Since her death and after working with many men and women who have complicated and non-existent relationships with their mothers, I realize how much emotion this holiday can bring.As we say in Grief Recovery, unresolved grief comes from the things we wish were "different, better, or more... or a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.

"Whether your mother is living or dead, available or unavailable, distant or over-bearing, there are always things we wish were different, better, or more. For example, I wish that my mom hadn't died so young. I wish that my mom were here to be a grandmother. I wish my mom could be here to witness her babies being parents. I wish I could tell her I love her one more time. I wish I could tell her how much more I appreciate her now that I am a mom.

The other piece of this is around motherhood. Mother's Day also brings up feelings for women who want or wanted to be mothers but could not, ​who were mothers but who lost their children, or for mothers whose children are no longer in their lives.

Relationships are complicated, particularly with the women who bring us into this world and/or raise us.If you know a mother, yours or someone else's, who you think is doing a great job, let them know. If you are a mother, be kind to yourself, as it seems to be the hardest job in the world.

Whether this day is a celebration or a challenge, be compassionate to yourself and others, as everyone has a story and no relationship is perfect. 

What do you wish were different, better, or more with your mom?

What hopes, dreams and expectations did you or do you have that haven't or won't ever be met?

If you want to explore these feelings visit www.laurajack.com or get my free Compassion Code Starter Guide here to learn more about how to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens.

With the way of the world today, it feels important to share my truth with you. I share in hopes that my perspective with grief and compassion can offer some hope for a future that brings us out of isolation and division propelling us into compassion and connection. 

Before sharing anything else, I want to acknowledge the grief we are experiencing as a society. 

Grief, according to The Grief Recovery Institute, "is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of  behavior." And unresolved grief is the "loss of  hopes, dreams, and expectations about what we wish was different, better, or more."

So when we think about all the recent changes, all the things we don't get to do, the school closures, the loneliness due to social isolation, the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, the loss of trust, not to mention the fear and threat to our health and mental wellness... it is understandable that we are grieving. 

While what each of us is experiencing in our daily lives is unique, what remains the same and universally true are the wide range of feelings we have as  humans: confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, fear, discomfort, disappointment, uncertainty, hope, gratitude, relief, curiosity, worry, loneliness, regret, shame, determination, and the list goes on. 

During this time of change and challenge, the most important thing to remember is our common humanity. 

Grief is what unites us, as we are all human and no one is immune to the hardships of loss- be it the devastation and heartache of losing someone you love or someone important to you… or losing your hopes, dreams, and expectations about how you thought life, particularly your life or the life of those you love, would go. A loss of yourself, a loss of health, a loss of love, a loss of confidence, a loss of community, a loss of opportunity, a loss of hope, a loss of trust... 

What matters most to us is becoming clear. And what we are willing to put up with is changing. That is what grief does... it strips away the facade. It's where love has a chance to show itself, and where powerful movements like Black Lives Matter, #metoo, and LGBTQ civil rights are born.

This process, death of the old ways of being, doing, acting, can be painful... because change can be painful. And yet, the potential for a new beginning that we never thought possible is what becomes available.

The challenge I see? That grief is not something most of us were not taught much about. If anything, we were actually given a lot of misinformation about it. I am here to tell you this: 

When we are able to look at our grief with compassion and acknowledge and validate the grief in others, then love can outshine hate --- and our world can begin to heal. 

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Self-compassion is where healing begins. This means acknowledging our own feelings and heart-ache as valid, rather than dismissing them. Because dismissing our own grief experiences means dismissing the grief experiences of others. 

Therefore when we have compassion for ourselves and our stories, we are then able to have compassion for others.

Forgiveness also starts within. When we forgive ourselves- not through condoning or dismissing our own behavior, but rather by owning our part, apologizing, and having compassion for ourselves for the things we wish we had done differently... then forgiving others becomes possible.

This is what it means to be human (to me): to acknowledge our imperfections, to apologize when we hurt others, and to begin again with the intention to be kinder, more aware, and always growing.

If we are going to rise out of the pain of our losses and move forward with conscious, empowered intention...then the first step is recognizing that we have a choice, and that choice starts with how we decide to treat ourselves.

Once we have chosen self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-love, then we can choose a new path forward, and that path forward can be about building connection through compassion, curiosity, and understanding. 

And let’s be clear, it doesn’t have to be grand. It can start small by simply recognizing when we are unkind to ourselves and then taking baby steps to offer ourselves the loving kindness we need and want. 

It can also be the simple act of acknowledging a stranger, your neighbor, the person who is checking you out at the grocery store. It can be a thank you. It can be a deep breath before we react. It can be asking a question with curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions. 

In Grief Recovery we say, "loving yourself is having the willingness and ability to make your own choices without the need of approval of others"… in other words, reverence or deep respect for the beauty within you and for your life's journey. 

While loving another “is having the willingness and ability to allow others to make their own choices, without the need to satisfy you." So simply witnessing and having reverence for the beauty of another and their life’s experience is you loving another.

Once we make this shift, treating ourselves, our stories, our experiences, our journey with respect and self-compassion, then the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated (or the way you treat yourself) - will be a gift rather than a detriment.

As Desmond Tutu said, "My humanity is bound up in yours. For we can only be human together." 

So, if you are wondering what you can do to co-create a more beautiful tomorrow, you can start by healing your own heart... because as you do, your capacity to have compassion for others will grow exponentially. 

And since grief, recovering from the pain of loss, and connecting through compassionate communication is where I feel most helpful, I decided to create a webinar to help those who are grieving move from isolation to connection after experiencing loss. And for the sake of practical action, I even provide heartfelt scripts so you can compassionately ask for what you need from the people in your life who matter most while still protecting your heart. 

It is available now and the scripts alone are a valuable tool to help you move from isolation to connection after loss. Register here to begin doing your part to build a more compassionate world.

And, if you haven't read The Compassion Code: How to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens, now may be the time. 

Father's Day, like all holidays, can come with some baggage.   Like Christmas, Valentine's Day, or it's close relative, Mother's Day, Father's Day can bring up unresolved grief.  

While Father's Day is traditionally about honoring your dad and setting aside time to say thank you, this can be a challenging day for someone who has unresolved grief.  

When I say grief, remember, it doesn't necessarily mean that your dad has died, as “grief is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior.” Grief come in many shapes and sizes.  Perhaps your relationship with your dad isn’t what you hoped or dreamed it would be, your dad wasn't around when you were growing up, your parents divorced, or perhaps you’ve never even met your biological father, etc.  Since family can be complicated, it is important to remember Father's Day can be too.

If your dad has died and you miss him, this may be a special opportunity to spend time doing things you loved doing with him.  You can also consider doing something that he loved. I encourage you to set aside time to honor him in whatever way feels good to you.

If you have a less than loving relationship with your dad, living or dead, this may be a good opportunity to be kind to yourself. Perhaps do something for yourself that you wish your dad would have done with you or for you. Some people try to make amends on this day.  If that feels like something you would like to do, let me just give you a couple tips.  

1) If you want to forgive him, please note that forgiving people who have not apologized may come across as an attack.  Perhaps you can forgive him in your heart and not to his face.  
2) If you have an expectation of the response you want, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go into any interaction with your dad without an agenda, an open mind, and an open heart.  

As we say at the Grief Recovery Institute, forgiveness is not about saying what they did is okay, it is about letting go of resentment so that we can be free.  

So, as you go throughout this day, I want you to remember that it is normal to have feelings of sadness, longing, or just wishing things were different, better, or more.

Give yourself permission to feel however you feel and know that you are not alone in those feelings.  While I am fortunate to have a loving relationship with my father, Father's Day makes me sad because it makes me miss my mom.  She was always really good at making Father's Day special for my dad, which often leaves me not knowing what do for him.  

Whatever your story is, please know that you are not alone.  If you have the best dad or the worst dad; if your dad died or you sometimes think that would make it easier;  if your relationship with your dad is complicated and healing, or simple and growing; please remember that there is nothing wrong with you.  

You may look around today and see a whole bunch of people looking happy and celebrating their father, and you may even be one of them.  Just know that underneath the surface, everyone has a story, no one is perfect, and we are all just trying to figure it out.   

I hope that reading this message allows you to find peace this Father's Day.  To all the Father's out there, good and bad, who gave us life-- thank you.

For more support around grief and relating to one another more kindly through the challenges of life, subscribe to our newsletter and download the Compassion Code Starter Guide here.

My uncle, the oldest of five children and still only 67 years old, recently died while tending to his garden up in Washington state.  These sudden, unexpected deaths of people we love really remind us how precious life really is.  It is in these moments, we are forced to face our own mortality.

Sometimes we forget that we don't live forever.  We let ourselves be overwhelmed by the minutia of everyday life. And then, out of no where, someone we care about dies.  

It sucks, and we are left wondering so many things about the relationship, about life, and about ourselves. We begin reflecting on our lives.  

If tomorrow were my last day, am I doing what I want with my life? Am I spending time with the people I love? Do people know how I feel about them?

While the death of people we love can be painful for those of us left behind, one of the beautiful things about death is that it allows us to take a pause in our lives.  It initiates a reflection period that we rarely take otherwise.  It causes the social "shoulds" to loosen up for a time and allows us to really look at what we want moving forward.

One of the biggest challenges of sudden loss is the feeling of incompleteness. Did I communicate all that I wanted to say to that person? Was I good niece, brother, wife, friend?  Did they know how I felt about them? Should I have called more?

These questions are usually a sign that something was left  incomplete in the relationship. As we say at the Grief Recovery Institute®, "Incompleteness is an accumulation of undelivered communications, large and small, that have emotional value to you.  Sometimes incompleteness is caused by our actions or non-actions.  Other times it is caused by circumstances out of our control."

While the Grief Recovery Method allows us to find completion with people who are no longer in our lives, dead or alive, it is also a good reminder to be complete in our existing relationships. Different people have different ways of being complete in their relationships.  Some people never get off the phone with their spouse, parent, sibling, friend, without saying I love you.  Some people don't go to bed angry.  

I personally try to live my life and communicate with the people I care about in a way that I feels authentic. While losing my mom was incredibly challenging for me, one thing I always felt grateful for was that she knew how much I loved her.

Consider this, if today were your last day, are there any communications you would like to make?  Is there any thing that you would like to do? Because we are mortal, don't let time pass before you tell people you love them.  Don't wait. Live now, for today is the only certainty we have.

For more about how I can support you and the people you serve, visit www.laurajack.com.