As we move through December, it’s natural to reflect on all that this year has brought—both the joyful and the challenging. While there’s so much to be grateful for, this season often highlights the grief, loss, and struggles we carry.

Maybe it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or even a dream that didn’t go as planned. Or perhaps the endless to-dos and family dynamics leave you feeling stretched too thin.

It’s easy to feel like you have to justify your emotions with silver linings:

• “At least I still have my health.”

• “At least I have a roof over my head.”

• “At least it wasn’t worse.”

But here’s the thing…

Silver Linings Don’t Help!!

When my mom died suddenly in 2008, I was the first to find 10 reasons why it was “okay.”

• “At least she was happy when she died.”

• “At least she didn’t suffer.”

• “At least she knew I loved her.”

These statements were intellectually true, but emotionally, they didn’t help at all. The truth is, my mom’s death was the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. By trying to justify it with “at least,” I was unintentionally diminishing my own feelings.

We do this to others too, often with the best intentions:

• “At least you weren’t married.”

• "It could be worse; at least you have a job."

• “At least you didn’t have kids together.”

• "At least you're young, you'll find someone better."

• “At least they’re in a better place.”

While we may be trying to offer comfort, these statements often miss the mark. They bypass the real emotions someone is experiencing.

So What Should We Do Instead?
The answer is simple but powerful:
Acknowledge, validate, and listen.

Instead of “at least,” try:

• “I can’t imagine what this has been like for you..." (and then hold space for them to share).

• “That makes so much sense.”

• "You're feelings are totally valid."

• “Thank you for sharing. I’m here to listen, if you want to tell me more.”

• "It sounds like it has been really rough."

• "Do you want me to hear you, help you, or hug you?"

Feelings—grief, sadness, frustration—are normal and natural. They don’t need to be fixed. In fact, when we allow ourselves and others to feel without judgment, those feelings often pass more easily.

If you’re finding this time of year challenging, you’re not alone. That’s why I’ve created resources to support you: 🎁 Emotional First Aid Kit: Holiday Edition
Navigate tough conversations, family dynamics, and self-care with expert tools, meditations, and resources designed to help you move through the season with more ease and compassion.

Mother's Day, like all holidays, can bring a mixture of emotions. While we all technically have a mother, what happens after birth varies greatly.I had no idea how challenging Mother's Day could be until my mom died because most of my life it was just a day where our family did something nice for our mom.

Since her death and after working with many men and women who have complicated and non-existent relationships with their mothers, I realize how much emotion this holiday can bring.As we say in Grief Recovery, unresolved grief comes from the things we wish were "different, better, or more... or a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.

"Whether your mother is living or dead, available or unavailable, distant or over-bearing, there are always things we wish were different, better, or more. For example, I wish that my mom hadn't died so young. I wish that my mom were here to be a grandmother. I wish my mom could be here to witness her babies being parents. I wish I could tell her I love her one more time. I wish I could tell her how much more I appreciate her now that I am a mom.

The other piece of this is around motherhood. Mother's Day also brings up feelings for women who want or wanted to be mothers but could not, ​who were mothers but who lost their children, or for mothers whose children are no longer in their lives.

Relationships are complicated, particularly with the women who bring us into this world and/or raise us.If you know a mother, yours or someone else's, who you think is doing a great job, let them know. If you are a mother, be kind to yourself, as it seems to be the hardest job in the world.

Whether this day is a celebration or a challenge, be compassionate to yourself and others, as everyone has a story and no relationship is perfect. 

What do you wish were different, better, or more with your mom?

What hopes, dreams and expectations did you or do you have that haven't or won't ever be met?

If you want to explore these feelings visit www.laurajack.com or get my free Compassion Code Starter Guide here to learn more about how to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens.

Have you ever made yourself feel bad or wrong for experiencing big feelings?

I have, and I know my clients have too. 

Recently on our Light After Loss coaching call, one of our amazing clients was having tremendous anxiety about an upcoming opportunity. Her body was having a big reaction to her anxious energy and she was feeling frustrated with herself. She said, “I know rationally I'm going to do well. I'm so prepared. But gosh my body doesn't think so.”

I coached her through these questions:

What does your anxious energy want for you? 

And how is your anxious energy helping you?

She thought for a moment, and then answered, “My anxiety wants me to do a good job.”

Diving deeper we found that her anxiety was there to motivate her to prepare and to take the opportunity seriously. It was also there to invite her to ask for help. 

So if the big feelings we have are FOR us as an invitation -- What do your big feelings want for you?

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to self-compassion) we can see our feelings not as bad, shameful, or wrong, but rather as an invitation to get curious. 

And when you remember that emotions are like a tunnel, you’ll know that before you can come out on the other side, you must acknowledge the tunnel itself. Having the willingness to say it aloud, to state your unease, will allow you to claim your inner peace. Then, you may actually feel incentivized to feel the big feelings and move through them, rather than ignore them or push them away. 

If you are anything like me and many of my clients who've been taught all of our lives to pretend we are fine, keep going, push through, even WIN … then learning how to feel your feelings, to allow them, and to move through them will truly aid in your ability to thrive no matter what you've been through. 

And ironically enough -- winning (whatever that looks like for you) will be a hell of a lot easier. 

Here are my 6 steps to move from judgement to curiosity when big feelings are knocking at your door (or are inside your living room):

1) Get quiet and observe your feelings.

2) Name it. What feeling are you having? (Remember, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. In order for a feeling to be expressed fully, it has to feel safe and not judged.)

3) With gentleness, like you are talking to a child, ask it, "[Feeling], what do you want for me?"

4) Trusting that it is for you, listen to the answer. (Perhaps, even journal about it).

5) No matter what the response, as long as it is kind to yourself, thank that feeling for showing up honestly and vulnerably for your growth.

6) Take a little time for self-care. Whether that is just walking outside and putting your feet in the grass, calling someone who will support you and not judge you, doing some deep breathing, or signing up for Light After Loss so you can be supported weekly ;), self-care isn't selfish, it is a requirement for showing up as your best self with everyone else.  BOOM! 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

I'm sorry.

I'm usually a woman of my word, and I was not.  

Just a few weeks ago, I said that next week we were launching The Compassion Collective, a place where you can feel supported while you support others, and I meant it.

And then life happened.

Not sure if you know this, but my family and I are moving across country.

That's right, we are saying goodbye and see you later to our beautiful community and life in Hood River, Oregon to return to the place where Ayla was born, Austin,Texas. You may have thoughts, feelings, questions, and maybe even judgments, and that is okay. 

The truth is CHANGE can be HARD and CONFUSING, even when we choose it. This is a perfect example of the definition of grief we use at The Grief Recovery Institute, "the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." As Ayla, my 5.5 year old daughter so eloquently put it, "moving comes with a mixture of emotions. I feel sad, and I feel excited. I even feel scared."

She couldn't have described my feelings more accurately. Now, moving with all the grief it includes does not take into account officiating my sister-in-law's (and now brother-in-law’s) Covid compliant wedding, saying goodbye to our nanny, oh and don't forget a global pandemic and the social change afoot... no wonder I have been all over the emotional map. 

Taking one baby step each day and being present to ALL of my feelings is literally the best I can do at this point.

Did I mention we have a 2 and 5 year old?!

As I write this I almost feel a sense of pride for how well we are doing and feeling it all.  

So coming back to my integrity and feeling the need to apologize. I had every intention to begin The Compassion Collective at the end of July (3 days before our lease ended) and then I realized just because I CAN, does not mean I SHOULD. 

What I wanted -- to launch, to grow the world's compassionate communication and connection, to give you support in your tough conversation, and the list goes on.

What I needed – to slow down, take a breath, focus on my family, moving, my officiating duties, and ultimately postpone the open door date to The Collective community by a few weeks (I will be announcing the new start date soon!)

Since another thing I stand for is self-compassion, and taking care of myself so I can more effectively care for others... this did feel aligned.

So there you have it.

I apologize for saying one thing and doing another. AND I appreciate your compassion for me and my experience.

What I hope you gain from this email is PERMISSION to take care of yourself, as well as permission to apologize. It is never too late to say sorry, and it does require some humility:).

If you have no idea what I am talking about with The Compassion Collective, check it out here.

Here's my intention once we get settled in a couple weeks: we do what we said, and we launch The Compassion Collective Community Membership, a place where we will make my tools and guidance easy and accessible for more people... people who genuinely care about others and who just don’t feel 100% confident navigating those big emotional or confrontational situations with ease.

Because let's face it, every day we are faced with uncomfortable conversations that would benefit from a little extra compassion. This includes topics like social distancing, boundaries, school leadership, virtual connection, navigating family relationships, and communicating feelings of vulnerability, insecurity, grief, and anxiety in times of uncertainty. 

Walking my talk means having this tough conversation and others, loving myself even when I unintentionally disappoint others, apologizing for my part, and then working to continue evolving and improving along the way.

Thanks for your support, love, and understanding through this transition.

Join the waitlist at www.laurajack.com/waitlist if you haven't already, and we will begin our journey together soon.

Below is the couple I had the privilege to officiate for this past weekend. They are as beautiful inside as they are outside. 

With the way of the world today, it feels important to share my truth with you. I share in hopes that my perspective with grief and compassion can offer some hope for a future that brings us out of isolation and division propelling us into compassion and connection. 

Before sharing anything else, I want to acknowledge the grief we are experiencing as a society. 

Grief, according to The Grief Recovery Institute, "is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of  behavior." And unresolved grief is the "loss of  hopes, dreams, and expectations about what we wish was different, better, or more."

So when we think about all the recent changes, all the things we don't get to do, the school closures, the loneliness due to social isolation, the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, the loss of trust, not to mention the fear and threat to our health and mental wellness... it is understandable that we are grieving. 

While what each of us is experiencing in our daily lives is unique, what remains the same and universally true are the wide range of feelings we have as  humans: confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, fear, discomfort, disappointment, uncertainty, hope, gratitude, relief, curiosity, worry, loneliness, regret, shame, determination, and the list goes on. 

During this time of change and challenge, the most important thing to remember is our common humanity. 

Grief is what unites us, as we are all human and no one is immune to the hardships of loss- be it the devastation and heartache of losing someone you love or someone important to you… or losing your hopes, dreams, and expectations about how you thought life, particularly your life or the life of those you love, would go. A loss of yourself, a loss of health, a loss of love, a loss of confidence, a loss of community, a loss of opportunity, a loss of hope, a loss of trust... 

What matters most to us is becoming clear. And what we are willing to put up with is changing. That is what grief does... it strips away the facade. It's where love has a chance to show itself, and where powerful movements like Black Lives Matter, #metoo, and LGBTQ civil rights are born.

This process, death of the old ways of being, doing, acting, can be painful... because change can be painful. And yet, the potential for a new beginning that we never thought possible is what becomes available.

The challenge I see? That grief is not something most of us were not taught much about. If anything, we were actually given a lot of misinformation about it. I am here to tell you this: 

When we are able to look at our grief with compassion and acknowledge and validate the grief in others, then love can outshine hate --- and our world can begin to heal. 

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Self-compassion is where healing begins. This means acknowledging our own feelings and heart-ache as valid, rather than dismissing them. Because dismissing our own grief experiences means dismissing the grief experiences of others. 

Therefore when we have compassion for ourselves and our stories, we are then able to have compassion for others.

Forgiveness also starts within. When we forgive ourselves- not through condoning or dismissing our own behavior, but rather by owning our part, apologizing, and having compassion for ourselves for the things we wish we had done differently... then forgiving others becomes possible.

This is what it means to be human (to me): to acknowledge our imperfections, to apologize when we hurt others, and to begin again with the intention to be kinder, more aware, and always growing.

If we are going to rise out of the pain of our losses and move forward with conscious, empowered intention...then the first step is recognizing that we have a choice, and that choice starts with how we decide to treat ourselves.

Once we have chosen self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-love, then we can choose a new path forward, and that path forward can be about building connection through compassion, curiosity, and understanding. 

And let’s be clear, it doesn’t have to be grand. It can start small by simply recognizing when we are unkind to ourselves and then taking baby steps to offer ourselves the loving kindness we need and want. 

It can also be the simple act of acknowledging a stranger, your neighbor, the person who is checking you out at the grocery store. It can be a thank you. It can be a deep breath before we react. It can be asking a question with curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions. 

In Grief Recovery we say, "loving yourself is having the willingness and ability to make your own choices without the need of approval of others"… in other words, reverence or deep respect for the beauty within you and for your life's journey. 

While loving another “is having the willingness and ability to allow others to make their own choices, without the need to satisfy you." So simply witnessing and having reverence for the beauty of another and their life’s experience is you loving another.

Once we make this shift, treating ourselves, our stories, our experiences, our journey with respect and self-compassion, then the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated (or the way you treat yourself) - will be a gift rather than a detriment.

As Desmond Tutu said, "My humanity is bound up in yours. For we can only be human together." 

So, if you are wondering what you can do to co-create a more beautiful tomorrow, you can start by healing your own heart... because as you do, your capacity to have compassion for others will grow exponentially. 

And since grief, recovering from the pain of loss, and connecting through compassionate communication is where I feel most helpful, I decided to create a webinar to help those who are grieving move from isolation to connection after experiencing loss. And for the sake of practical action, I even provide heartfelt scripts so you can compassionately ask for what you need from the people in your life who matter most while still protecting your heart. 

It is available now and the scripts alone are a valuable tool to help you move from isolation to connection after loss. Register here to begin doing your part to build a more compassionate world.

And, if you haven't read The Compassion Code: How to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens, now may be the time. 

Father's Day, like all holidays, can come with some baggage.   Like Christmas, Valentine's Day, or it's close relative, Mother's Day, Father's Day can bring up unresolved grief.  

While Father's Day is traditionally about honoring your dad and setting aside time to say thank you, this can be a challenging day for someone who has unresolved grief.  

When I say grief, remember, it doesn't necessarily mean that your dad has died, as “grief is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior.” Grief come in many shapes and sizes.  Perhaps your relationship with your dad isn’t what you hoped or dreamed it would be, your dad wasn't around when you were growing up, your parents divorced, or perhaps you’ve never even met your biological father, etc.  Since family can be complicated, it is important to remember Father's Day can be too.

If your dad has died and you miss him, this may be a special opportunity to spend time doing things you loved doing with him.  You can also consider doing something that he loved. I encourage you to set aside time to honor him in whatever way feels good to you.

If you have a less than loving relationship with your dad, living or dead, this may be a good opportunity to be kind to yourself. Perhaps do something for yourself that you wish your dad would have done with you or for you. Some people try to make amends on this day.  If that feels like something you would like to do, let me just give you a couple tips.  

1) If you want to forgive him, please note that forgiving people who have not apologized may come across as an attack.  Perhaps you can forgive him in your heart and not to his face.  
2) If you have an expectation of the response you want, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go into any interaction with your dad without an agenda, an open mind, and an open heart.  

As we say at the Grief Recovery Institute, forgiveness is not about saying what they did is okay, it is about letting go of resentment so that we can be free.  

So, as you go throughout this day, I want you to remember that it is normal to have feelings of sadness, longing, or just wishing things were different, better, or more.

Give yourself permission to feel however you feel and know that you are not alone in those feelings.  While I am fortunate to have a loving relationship with my father, Father's Day makes me sad because it makes me miss my mom.  She was always really good at making Father's Day special for my dad, which often leaves me not knowing what do for him.  

Whatever your story is, please know that you are not alone.  If you have the best dad or the worst dad; if your dad died or you sometimes think that would make it easier;  if your relationship with your dad is complicated and healing, or simple and growing; please remember that there is nothing wrong with you.  

You may look around today and see a whole bunch of people looking happy and celebrating their father, and you may even be one of them.  Just know that underneath the surface, everyone has a story, no one is perfect, and we are all just trying to figure it out.   

I hope that reading this message allows you to find peace this Father's Day.  To all the Father's out there, good and bad, who gave us life-- thank you.

For more support around grief and relating to one another more kindly through the challenges of life, subscribe to our newsletter and download the Compassion Code Starter Guide here.

Hey guys!

In this video, I get into how grief exists in all the changes we experience in life and that what you are feeling when things change is normal.

According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grief is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Therefore grief is in all changes that we experience as humans.

With the Coronavirus, the stay at home orders, and all the big changes that come with work, socializing, and life in general not to mention all of the grieving experiences that are related to traditional grieving experiences, just know that it's okay to grieve.

A few of the most important things that we have to remember in order to have compassion for ourselves during this challenging time is that:

1. It is ok to grieve (all losses not just death.)

2. Your feelings are legitimate, yours and yours alone. They are normal and they are natural.

3. Remember to acknowledge and validate yourself and others.

4. Whatever you're experiencing is ok!

5. You don't have to compare yourself to others. Comparing leads to isolation.

6. Try not to diminish other's feelings or experiences as well.

7. Relate kindly to yourself.

8. Know your audience and know who can support you!

To learn more, watch our brand new Masterclass: Compassionate Communication 101: 5 Shifts to Confidently Navigate Change and Challenge with Ease.