With the way of the world today, it feels important to share my truth with you. I share in hopes that my perspective with grief and compassion can offer some hope for a future that brings us out of isolation and division propelling us into compassion and connection.
Before sharing anything else, I want to acknowledge the grief we are experiencing as a society.
Grief, according to The Grief Recovery Institute, "is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." And unresolved grief is the "loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations about what we wish was different, better, or more."
So when we think about all the recent changes, all the things we don't get to do, the school closures, the loneliness due to social isolation, the loss of jobs, the closing of businesses, the loss of trust, not to mention the fear and threat to our health and mental wellness... it is understandable that we are grieving.
While what each of us is experiencing in our daily lives is unique, what remains the same and universally true are the wide range of feelings we have as humans: confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, fear, discomfort, disappointment, uncertainty, hope, gratitude, relief, curiosity, worry, loneliness, regret, shame, determination, and the list goes on.
During this time of change and challenge, the most important thing to remember is our common humanity.
Grief is what unites us, as we are all human and no one is immune to the hardships of loss- be it the devastation and heartache of losing someone you love or someone important to you… or losing your hopes, dreams, and expectations about how you thought life, particularly your life or the life of those you love, would go. A loss of yourself, a loss of health, a loss of love, a loss of confidence, a loss of community, a loss of opportunity, a loss of hope, a loss of trust...
What matters most to us is becoming clear. And what we are willing to put up with is changing. That is what grief does... it strips away the facade. It's where love has a chance to show itself, and where powerful movements like Black Lives Matter, #metoo, and LGBTQ civil rights are born.
This process, death of the old ways of being, doing, acting, can be painful... because change can be painful. And yet, the potential for a new beginning that we never thought possible is what becomes available.
The challenge I see? That grief is not something most of us were not taught much about. If anything, we were actually given a lot of misinformation about it. I am here to tell you this:
When we are able to look at our grief with compassion and acknowledge and validate the grief in others, then love can outshine hate --- and our world can begin to heal.
As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
Self-compassion is where healing begins. This means acknowledging our own feelings and heart-ache as valid, rather than dismissing them. Because dismissing our own grief experiences means dismissing the grief experiences of others.
Therefore when we have compassion for ourselves and our stories, we are then able to have compassion for others.
Forgiveness also starts within. When we forgive ourselves- not through condoning or dismissing our own behavior, but rather by owning our part, apologizing, and having compassion for ourselves for the things we wish we had done differently... then forgiving others becomes possible.
This is what it means to be human (to me): to acknowledge our imperfections, to apologize when we hurt others, and to begin again with the intention to be kinder, more aware, and always growing.
If we are going to rise out of the pain of our losses and move forward with conscious, empowered intention...then the first step is recognizing that we have a choice, and that choice starts with how we decide to treat ourselves.
Once we have chosen self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-love, then we can choose a new path forward, and that path forward can be about building connection through compassion, curiosity, and understanding.
And let’s be clear, it doesn’t have to be grand. It can start small by simply recognizing when we are unkind to ourselves and then taking baby steps to offer ourselves the loving kindness we need and want.
It can also be the simple act of acknowledging a stranger, your neighbor, the person who is checking you out at the grocery store. It can be a thank you. It can be a deep breath before we react. It can be asking a question with curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions.
In Grief Recovery we say, "loving yourself is having the willingness and ability to make your own choices without the need of approval of others"… in other words, reverence or deep respect for the beauty within you and for your life's journey.
While loving another “is having the willingness and ability to allow others to make their own choices, without the need to satisfy you." So simply witnessing and having reverence for the beauty of another and their life’s experience is you loving another.
Once we make this shift, treating ourselves, our stories, our experiences, our journey with respect and self-compassion, then the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated (or the way you treat yourself) - will be a gift rather than a detriment.
As Desmond Tutu said, "My humanity is bound up in yours. For we can only be human together."
So, if you are wondering what you can do to co-create a more beautiful tomorrow, you can start by healing your own heart... because as you do, your capacity to have compassion for others will grow exponentially.
And since grief, recovering from the pain of loss, and connecting through compassionate communication is where I feel most helpful, I decided to create a webinar to help those who are grieving move from isolation to connection after experiencing loss. And for the sake of practical action, I even provide heartfelt scripts so you can compassionately ask for what you need from the people in your life who matter most while still protecting your heart.
It is available now and the scripts alone are a valuable tool to help you move from isolation to connection after loss. Register here to begin doing your part to build a more compassionate world.
And, if you haven't read The Compassion Code: How to say the right thing when the wrong thing happens, now may be the time.
