You may not like what I am about to say, but humor me for a minute...

What would it be like to embrace this holiday season as an opportunity to create new traditions?

Before you tell me all the reasons why this year has sucked, which I recognize that there is absolute truth in that as well, what would it be like to let go of that sucky-ness feeling for just a minute and ask yourself these questions:

• How has this year created opportunities for me to do things differently?

• How have I grown through the pain and challenges that this year presented?

• Who would I get to be if I let go of the idea that this year only SUCKED?

• What am I proud of myself for overcoming?

I deeply acknowledge that this year has been full of heartache and hardship. It has been full of so much grief, and as you may recall from my recent blog, I believe that grief must come before gratitude. 

What I am grateful for is the honest conversations about grief that are happening more and more. Grief, as is defined by the Grief Recovery Institute, is the "conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." 

This year is GRIEF. It is the conflicting feelings. It is the change in the familiar. It is what we wish was different. Better. Or more. It is a loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations. 

The challenge is, we are taught to deny and repress all the things that we deem as "bad", rather than giving them a voice, accepting, embracing, and loving ourselves and each other through all of it. 

This year has also exposed a lot of UNRESOLVED grief that exists both individually and collectively, and it can be soooo painful. 

However, the worst thing we can do with unresolved grief and pain is to keep pretending that it doesn't exist. 

So what can you do this holiday season, that is full of conflicting feelings that come when things change?

Here is what I suggest: 

Step 1) Acknowledge (to a safe person who isn't going to deny your feelings or experience) and say, "gosh, I miss.... and it won't be the same without them this year." Or, "This holiday season feels so depressing/different/lonely/new... and I don't know what to do with all of that." "I am actually grateful that we don't have to drive/fly/go anywhere and that we can make our own new traditions (but I feel guilty saying that aloud."

Step 2) Validate and accept the feelings as okay. Sit with the feelings. Journal about the feelings. Share (again with a safe, non-judgemental listener). Feel the sensations in your body.

Step 3) Give yourself compassion for all the feelings. Recognize that while each of our experiences is unique, our feelings are UNIVERSAL. Be kind to yourself about the feelings you have, even the ones you may feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed about.... recognizing that if you feel them, someone else (and likely many, many others) do too! Look at yourself in the mirror and say some version of, "You are okay. You are not alone."

Step 4) Release it. Once you have properly felt it, shared it, written about it, honored it, and maybe even thanked the feelings... you can let them go. Letting go can be experienced in many ways. Through creative expressions like music, art, writing, or dance... you can release the feelings that have been stuck in your body. Meditation, massage, and movement can also be helpful. 

(If you need more support for ANY part of this process, especially step 4, reply to this email or schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation here)

Step 5) Decide what you would like to feel moving forward. "I want to feel... peace/love/connection/gratitude/lightness/etc." Then ask yourself, "What is my greatest fear if I allow myself to feel these feelings instead?"

Step 6) Create some new rituals. This does not mean you have to throw out the old ones forever... just give yourself permission to try on a new one without guilt. As we teach in the Grief Recovery world, "guilt is the intention to harm." 

Here are some options for new rituals: 

• Do something nice for yourself.

• Honor a loved one by doing something that honors their memory.

• Share fond memories with people who care about you.

• Do something nice for others.

Step 7) Remember, you are not alone! And perhaps for the first time in history, people are actually aware of how much grief there truly is all around us. You don't have to pretend to be "fine" if you aren't, and it may even give someone permission to be emotionally honest with you too. 

If you want to know how to do that without a vulnerability hangover (you know that feeling you get after you share and the other person looks at you like.... "ugh, I wish I knew what to say and now I feel soooo awkward) then check out my free webinar: 3 Steps to Move from Isolation to Connection After Losing Someone You Love to support yourself this holiday season.  

From my heart to yours as you navigate this holiday season.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Take a moment... 

Really think about it. 

Get this, when I was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up…

I said, “ happy.”

For most of my life, I would say I was very happy.

And then my mom died. She was hit by a car in 2008 and killed instantly.

My heart was broken and my soul was crushed.

I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever feel happy again.

Interestingly, that soul-crushing loss of my most treasured advisor and best friend, led me on a journey to redefine happiness for myself... 

... for how I thought my life would look. 

One of the greatest lessons I learned was how precious and fragile life is...

And how everything can change in an instant.

What that understanding has done for me is it has allowed me to live with more presence.

Knowing that this could all be over tomorrow -- 

How do I want to spend my life? 

I decided that I wanted to spend my life growing. Growth has become the value I hold with highest esteem because what I have come to realize is that when we stop growing, learning, and loving... our soul dies. 

Therefore, when faced with challenges, there are only two options: 

Hide and wilt. 

Or...

Face it and grow. 

So now, as a grown up who has chosen growth and to LOVE life (even after loss), I am asking myself, am I what I wanted to be?

The answer is yes. 

While happiness isn't a fix state of being... like I may have hoped as a child, it is the way I experience life. For me it is about:

Growing through what you are going through.

Using pain as a marker for wisdom.

Finding joy in the everyday moments of life that makes us oh so human. 

Elevating the consciousness of the planet, starting with myself.

Helping other people find their love for life even after tremendous hardship or loss.

So now I will ask you, are you being what you wanted to be? 

Would the younger version of you be proud of you now?

I hope your answer is yes!

If it isn’t what you hoped, what got in the way?

What do you want instead? More joy, more connection, more fulfillment, more happiness?

If so, what is getting in the way of you having that now?

Here's a little existential Food For Thought.

These are the top five regrets of the dying from Bronnie Ware:

• "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

• "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."

• "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

• "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

• "I wish that I had let myself be happier."

So what will it be? What are you waiting for? What will it take for you to truly live?

Will you wait for it to get worse before you do something about it? Or will you take action now? 

Knowing that we only get one shot, I hope you say yes to you… because when you are thriving, everyone in your life benefits! 

Take a baby step to living life the way you hoped by watching my new training: 4 Shifts to Move Beyond the Pain and Rediscover Meaning, Purpose & Growth in Your Life. (Ultimately, how to love your life even after loss!)

You can also schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation if you are ready to say yes to living and loving your life after whatever life has thrown your way.

Last year I had this momentary thought, “What would it take for all of humanity to come together?” 

The immediate response I had was, “An alien invasion.” 

Ironically enough, fast forward only 5 months later and the Coronavirus, though small and invisible, appeared as the alien and the potential thing that would bring us together. 

With the idea of all of us doing our parts to flatten the curve, I felt hopeful. 

What I didn’t take into account was how challenging this would be on all of us and how the unfolding events of this year would become the culmination of so much grief and discomfort previously ignored, avoided, or pushed down (both personally and collectively). After all, as you may have learned by now, “grief is the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior,” according to the Grief Recovery Institute. 

So why wasn’t our collective response to the Coronavirus bringing us all together in the way I had imagined the alien invasion would? In part because we are all unique, our experiences are unique, and our perceptions are unique. I also believe it is because we still have work to do... to acknowledge our own feelings and experiences and how painful they are and have been.

Before we can have compassion for others, we must begin with compassion for ourselves.

So while each of us is unique and our experiences are unique ... our feelings are universal.

Even though we arrive at these feelings differently, the one truth we have in common is that we have all experienced some level of love, hate, anger, fear, disappointment, excitement, relief, devastation, heartache, overwhelm, embarrassment, shame, gratitude, and the list goes on.

After all, we are human, and THAT is what brings us together. Our common humanity is in our shared emotions. 

So while we are so divided right now, we are all having the Universal experience of having feelings. 

And when it comes to feelings, the best thing we can do is acknowledge them. After all, you have to feel in order to heal. 

When I was a little girl, my mom used to say, “no one can take away your feelings.” 

I share that sentiment with you today by reminding you that no matter your age or experience, YOU are allowed to have your feelings; AND yet, what you do with those feelings does matter and does impact the collective experience.

While you may not think of yourself as a leader, how you lead and model, whether that is for your children, your friends, your family, your neighborhood, your team or organization, or just how you think inside your own mind, does matter. 

So as we continue navigating this turbulent time, decide how we are each going to feel, and then choose to behave... I hope you will consider this:

Choose to lead and behave with love and kindness rather than fear. 

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness (love) never decreases by being shared.” -Buddha 

Remember that fear is limited and limiting while love is abundant. There is enough for everyone. Enough love. Enough connection. Enough.

You are enough. And when you KNOW this fully… when you FEEL it at the core of your being, you can then be the light that shines on others and empowers others to be their best… not with attachment, but rather with the intention of elevating the whole. 

When we live with compassion, starting with self-compassion, we can shine brightly and warm those around us.

So when the world feels out of your control, remember the only part you can truly control: 

Your thoughts. Your feelings. Your actions.  

If you want to be a light of love when the world feels dark:

You can choose to move away from fearful thoughts and questions that may sound like:

“Everyone else is doing it wrong. What is wrong with them?”

“Why are other people so … (negative judgement)?” 

“Why don’t people see it my way?”

“Why don’t other people respect me?” 

“Why do they think I am … (negative judgement)?”

"It is all their fault that things are the way they are."

"If only others were more... "

The challenge with all of these thoughts is they come from a fear mindset, which means that ultimately there is a threat to love, safety or belonging. Fear and blame does not allow us to live with peace, connection, or love; it only creates more fear.

However, when we practice self-compassion and self-love, our thoughts shift and then our interactions with others also begin to shift to be more compassionate. When we choose love, curiosity, and compassion rather than fear, it can sound like:

“I am curious about other people’s beliefs.” 

“I wonder how I can grow and learn from others?”

“I appreciate and respect myself, AND I also respect and appreciate others.” 

“It is okay to have differing opinions from others and still love them.”

“I hope that with our powers combined we can find solutions that works for the whole.”

“I trust that I will continue to learn, grow and evolve”

“Even though I don’t know what the future holds, I am willing to be kind, curious, and compassionate with myself and others.”

Compassion and curiosity allow us to connect, to appreciate life, to experience peace, joy, and love.
So whatever today and the next few months bring, I strongly encourage you to remember: 

Our common humanity is in our shared emotions. We are all human.
So if that alien invasion ever comes, we will stand together as humans with LOVE & COMPASSION. 

And...maybe the aliens will have something to teach us too. :) 

If you aren't in there already, join our free FB group, Living The Compassion Code!

What do you want?

Such a simple question, and yet, how often do we ask it or are we asked?

What keeps us from asking or answering this question?

Everyone is unique, and yet in my experience people are often afraid to say what they want for fear of judgement:  internal, perceived, or even verbalized.

We asked ourselves questions like:

1) What if I don't get what I want?

2) What if I do get what I want?

3) What will people think of me if I get what I want?

4) What will people think of me if I don't?

5) Is it even possible?

6) Am I thinking too big?

7) Who am I to want this?

The answer is found in science.

There are three parts of our brains, and each part has a different set of instructions and descriptions about what keeps us well and safe.

First is our Brain Stem or “Reptilian Brain”. The reptilian brain is in charge of the physical: your heart rate, breathing, blood sugar – anything to do with keeping you alive. This part of you is in charge of your fight, flight, or freeze response, and it tells you don't stray from your current situation because even though it could be better, it is a perceived threat to your safety because it is “unknown.”

The Limbic System is in charge of generating emotions. It uses emotions to promote a sense of safety and well-being. These emotions drive us toward or away from experiences that affect love, safety and belonging.

And finally, the Cortex or “Human Brain”. The human brain deals with the logical, human, conscious mind. This is the part of us that justifies our choices and behaviors and makes meaning out of our feelings and experiences.

So how do we get what we want?

How do we choose change when change is so often deemed threatening? 

By getting a YES from all 3 parts of our brain.

The Brain Stem has to say it’s safe – it’s not a threat to survival. And we do that by taking calculated baby steps that prove to be safe and not a threat to our survival.

The Limbic System has to say it’s not a threat to love or belonging, and we do that by finding the right support who acknowledges, validates, and normalizes our experience and advocates for our growth. 

And the Cortex has to be so tickled by the idea that it is willing to override the safety mechanism that is simultaneously keeping you safe and also keeping you stuck.

So, let’s start back at the top. 

What do YOU want? 

There are at least 2 paths: 

1) Move toward happiness, pleasure, peace, joy, radiance

OR

2) Move away from pain, heartache, loneliness, isolation, discomfort

That being said, do you want to remove whatever blocks you have from experiencing happiness? Do you want to live fully and wake up more joyful each day? Do you want to help others? Do you want to feel closer in your relationships? Or do you just want to feel less pain or less numb?

Either way is perfectly fine, we are all wired and socialized differently, but knowing yourself and what motivates you is helpful. 

Education is a good baby step for growth and change because it allows us to learn without threat. 

So if you want more joy or less pain, particularly as it relates to your life after loss, please take your first baby step and watch my free training: 

4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss So You Can Rediscover Meaning, Purpose, and Growth in Your Life. 

Here is the link: www.laurajack.com/4shifts

And even if you can’t show up live, you will get the replay in your inbox. 

As you will learn in the webinar, time alone does not heal; it is action (even tiny baby steps of action) within time!

Register to gain knowledge, understanding and hope for yourself or for people in your life who want to take the first step to move toward joy and away from pain. 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

You may not know this, but I got to a point a few years ago where I felt really done with the grief work. I was sick of being "the grief girl." And yet, no matter what I did, people kept coming to me wanting support either in their grief or to support a loved one through their grief. 

One of my clients said to me, "I encouraged my dear friend to reach out to you. I told her that she could go it alone, but she would be better off with the Goddess of Grief by her side."

My eyes filled with tears, as I knew that my calling to support people to move beyond the pain of loss wasn't over, but rather the old me -- the me who fell into the pits of despair with others, the girl who had no boundaries, the wounded healer -- was the part that I was ready to move beyond. 

So here I am... stepping up as the Goddess of Grief and presenting to you my newest webinar: 4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss and Rediscovering Meaning, Purpose and Growth in your Life.

What was so fun about creating this webinar was that it is a combination of years of experience, teaching, healing, motivation and inspiration all coming together in one place! I am so grateful for my team who also made it beautiful and seamless.

While you yourself may not have experienced painful loss or you may not have the desire to find meaning or purpose from your loss at this moment, we all know someone who will benefit from learning:

• What grief really is and how to handle (instead of hide) all the feelings

• What keeps us feeling stuck and what we can do to move beyond the pain

• What coping strategies we are using and whether they are helping us or distracting us

• And how to begin transforming heartache into purpose.

And that is precisely what I share in this webinar. 

Here is some of the feed back we have received:

One participant shared, "That webinar is perfect! Love all of it! The only thing I wish is that I could pause it to

review important concepts over and over again."

And guess what, when you get the replay, you can!!

Another said, "You weave together so many valuable concepts so eloquently, anyone who comes across it will be blessed!" 

Another participant shared, "Thank you for sending this. Your life's purpose has been discovered through your mom's death... It's pretty moving.  And your words and voice are very comforting and inspiring."  

I have total confidence that the education and mindset shifts, as well as the practical tools you will learn when you attend will allow you to walk away feeling more empowered, hopeful, and clear about grief and the possibility for healing and growth through suffering. 

As you will learn in the webinar, time alone does not heal; it is action within time! So register to begin taking action to heal or share with someone in your life who is suffering and ready to receive support on their healing journey.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

We may have heard that vulnerability can lead to more connection, but how do we let go of all of our old beliefs and stories that tell us:

• To suck it up

• To be strong

• To not be too emotional

• That emotions equal crazy

• That feeling our feelings is usually synonymous with being a wreck, a mess, or out of control?

Many of us were taught to be strong – and that feelings (aside from the "good" ones) mean that we are weak. 

For me, so much of my identity was around being the happy, positive one. 

So on one hand, we are finally learning the power of vulnerability (thanks Brené Brown!!), and on the other hand, so much of our belief system and identity is wrapped up in being strong or unemotional -- or as I like to say “pretending to be fine.”

So how do we make the shift from knowing with our heads that vulnerability is “good” ----> to feeling in our hearts that vulnerability is safe?

It starts with self-compassion, or relating kindly to ourselves, and not diminishing our own suffering. 

So instead of comparing our story to someone else’s (compare leads to despair) we can recognize each person's experience is unique, each story is valid, and our unique experience was important to getting us where we are.

Recognizing that everyone has a story (including you) – and likely a grief story, is what can allow us to become compassionate and relate kindly towards each other.

As the old adage goes “hurt people, hurt people...” which means that the opposite can also be true, “healing or healed people, heal people.”

If you want to be part of the solution to help heal our divided, hurting world – the first thing you can do is give yourself some self-compassion for the hurts you have experienced in your life. 

By taking charge of your own healing (the only thing you really can control) and offering yourself the gift of compassion for your own painful experiences, you will have more to give to everyone else in your life. 

So if you are interested in moving beyond the pain of loss so you can lead by example in your life schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation today.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And watch my brand new webinar 4 Shifts for Moving Beyond the Pain of Loss so You Can Rediscover Meaning, Purpose, and Growth in Your Life.

"I thought 2020 would be the year I got everything I want. Now I know 2020 is the year I appreciate everything I have." - unknown 

Just a little update for those of you who have been following our moving saga-- our stuff finally arrived in Austin late last week after 6 weeks!!! 

Yay! 

Here are 6 reflections from the last 6 weeks while we waited for our moving van to arrive: 

1) You really don't need a whole lot of "stuff" to get by (even as a family of 4). 

2) Just surviving doesn't feel as good as thriving. 

3) There is peace in surrendering to what you can't control. 

4) I love my stackable matching Tupperware collection more than almost any other "thing" I own, and next time I move it is coming in the car with all my other valuables.   

5) Instead of feeling like we have to unpack, it feels like we get to unpack and each box is like a present. 

6) Even with our country feeling so divided, we have been met with nothing but kindness and generosity from strangers, family, and old friends during our time of need. 

Aside from all the unpacking of our things from Oregon, we are also unpacking and rediscovering things that have been in storage for years. 

Just like grief, unpacking can bring up a lot of emotions and memories. One of my favorite discoveries was a collection of old journals, and I thought to share an old poem I wrote that still feels relevant today.

Don't wait to say I love you;

we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Don't wait to say hello;

the moment may pass you by.

Don't wait to say thank you;

they may never know your gratitude. 

Don't wait to dance; 

your feet are ready now. 

Don't wait to say I'm sorry; 

it may be hard but it's always worth it. 

Don't wait to let go of resentment;

it's not worth it to hold on to the pain. 

Don't wait to say you care;

they can't read your mind. 

Don't wait to love your body; 

it is what allows you to live this life. 

Don't wait to say I love you; 

there is no promise of tomorrow.

Love now. 

Maybe a few of these rang true for you, and you know in your heart that the time is now.

You just need to know the how.

So if you're asking yourself: 

"how do I let go of resentment?

how do I say I'm sorry?

how do rediscover my light after loss?"

Then it may be time to schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation with me so we can sort out your "how." 

So don't wait to start loving now and that starts with loving you. 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Do you ever find yourself saying, “I used to be more easygoing, fun, carefree?”

Do you ever feel like the person you are now doesn't feel like the real you?

Do you smile less or perhaps you’re less generous with your compliments?

If this sounds familiar, know that you aren’t alone. 

On our recent Light After Loss coaching call, one of our clients shared a similar sentiment to the ones above. 

They even went on to say, “It's the rigidity that I feel, and the fact that people in my life see me as difficult or demanding that makes me want to shift. This isn't who I think I am or who I want to be.”

If this is you, here is a bit of coaching to heal your perspective:

Ask yourself, "Where is the possible value in being demanding?

Perhaps it's that you are able to speak your needs and know what you want.

Next ask yourself, “Do you think that/ those qualities could have valuable?”

It's likely you would agree that there is some value.

You might even consider yourself an advocate, a truth-teller and someone who is clear on what you want and what you don't want. And with that, you are also brave enough to speak up for yourself and others.

With these questions, do you feel yourself shifting from judgment to curiosity and even gratitude for this part of yourself?

Do you know why our muscles get stiff when we are injured? To protect us from further injury. And how do we help our stiffness? By stretching.

If you aren't thrilled about the ways you're showing up in your life, here's what I want you to know:

Being rigid or stuck in your ways is not your natural state. It is what happens to protect you when you are hurting from unresolved grief.

So in order to “stretch” and heal your rigidity or the adaptations you created to protect your heart, you must first have compassion for the mechanism you used to protect yourself from further injury or heartache. 

Once you have given yourself the gift of self-compassion, you can choose to heal your unresolved grief.

Just like the physical tools of heat, ice, stretching, movement, and physical therapy which help our bodies regain flexibility and freedom, so too exist the emotional tools to help regain flexibility and freedom in our emotional bodies. 

If you are living with the emotional pain of loss, perhaps it is time for action. Time alone does not heal our wounds; it is action within time. 

We all need tools to move beyond our pain, and this isn't something we are taught in school, but it is something we can learn with the right support.

So if you are interested in transforming the heartache of your loss into meaning, purpose, and growth, schedule a Light After Loss initial consultation today.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Have you ever wished that someone could have shown up for you differently, done a better job, or been more supportive? 

Perhaps you felt disappointed that your expectations weren't met? 

You are not alone, as what we wish was "different, better, or more" is the definition of unresolved grief. 

On our recent Light After Loss coaching call, one of our clients honestly and vulnerably shared that she wished that her mom was able to support her more, both now and as a child. As she reflected on her disappointment, she couldn't help but justify her mom's behavior by saying, "she did the best she could." 

Have you ever diminished your experience by justifying someone else's behavior? 

I have. Partially because I have been afraid of what will happen if I let myself feel disappointed and upset.

I coached her through these questions:

Is it possible for your disappointment and sadness to exist simultaneously with your compassion and understanding? 

When she allowed these two experiences to co-exist, the answer that felt most supportive was that she would get to have compassion for BOTH herself and her mom. 

And how did your disappointment in your mom's way of being help shape you into who you are today?

She thought for a moment and then answered, “My disappointment with my mom helped me choose to be a better friend and a more available mom.”

So if you have had a time in your life where you felt like my client, how did your unmet expectations shape you and who you've become? How did your disappointment help you become a better version of yourself? 

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to compassion) we can see that life is happening FOR our growth rather than TO our detriment.

And if you are anything like me and many of my clients, the meaning we make about what happened is as important, if not more important, than what actually happened... and that is the part of the story that we can rewrite as adults. 

Choosing compassion for ourselves, our stories, and even the people who hurt us (unintentionally or intentionally) is what allows us to find peace. 

Here are my 5 steps to move from disappointment to peace: 

1) Acknowledge it by naming the feeling. Give yourself permission to feel it and even say, "it sucked" or "it hurt me."

2) Now, put on your compassion hat and ask yourself, "If I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, what are/were they going through that led them to act the way they are/were?"

**We make up stories all the time, so choose one that gives them the benefit of the doubt as an opportunity to let go of resentment (for YOUR freedom). 

3) With gentleness, ask yourself "What would I have wanted them to do in a best case scenario?"

4) How can I offer myself some of love, support, guidance, generosity, engagement or whatever else you were seeking from that person?

(i.e. Find a non-judgmental witness to listen to me because my parents were unable to do so. Take myself on the date I secretly wanted to go on. Write myself the thank you note I was longing for.)

5) Take a baby step. Once you have come up with a few options, choose one. Transformation starts with your thoughts... so remember, Life is happening FOR you, not TO you.

If deep diving into your past, healing your hurts, and rewriting your story so you can thrive in your life after loss is something you know you need, I have just the thing for you. Check out Light After Loss and let's begin your journey of letting go.

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Have you ever made yourself feel bad or wrong for experiencing big feelings?

I have, and I know my clients have too. 

Recently on our Light After Loss coaching call, one of our amazing clients was having tremendous anxiety about an upcoming opportunity. Her body was having a big reaction to her anxious energy and she was feeling frustrated with herself. She said, “I know rationally I'm going to do well. I'm so prepared. But gosh my body doesn't think so.”

I coached her through these questions:

What does your anxious energy want for you? 

And how is your anxious energy helping you?

She thought for a moment, and then answered, “My anxiety wants me to do a good job.”

Diving deeper we found that her anxiety was there to motivate her to prepare and to take the opportunity seriously. It was also there to invite her to ask for help. 

So if the big feelings we have are FOR us as an invitation -- What do your big feelings want for you?

If we shift from judgment to curiosity (the true path to self-compassion) we can see our feelings not as bad, shameful, or wrong, but rather as an invitation to get curious. 

And when you remember that emotions are like a tunnel, you’ll know that before you can come out on the other side, you must acknowledge the tunnel itself. Having the willingness to say it aloud, to state your unease, will allow you to claim your inner peace. Then, you may actually feel incentivized to feel the big feelings and move through them, rather than ignore them or push them away. 

If you are anything like me and many of my clients who've been taught all of our lives to pretend we are fine, keep going, push through, even WIN … then learning how to feel your feelings, to allow them, and to move through them will truly aid in your ability to thrive no matter what you've been through. 

And ironically enough -- winning (whatever that looks like for you) will be a hell of a lot easier. 

Here are my 6 steps to move from judgement to curiosity when big feelings are knocking at your door (or are inside your living room):

1) Get quiet and observe your feelings.

2) Name it. What feeling are you having? (Remember, feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. In order for a feeling to be expressed fully, it has to feel safe and not judged.)

3) With gentleness, like you are talking to a child, ask it, "[Feeling], what do you want for me?"

4) Trusting that it is for you, listen to the answer. (Perhaps, even journal about it).

5) No matter what the response, as long as it is kind to yourself, thank that feeling for showing up honestly and vulnerably for your growth.

6) Take a little time for self-care. Whether that is just walking outside and putting your feet in the grass, calling someone who will support you and not judge you, doing some deep breathing, or signing up for Light After Loss so you can be supported weekly ;), self-care isn't selfish, it is a requirement for showing up as your best self with everyone else.  BOOM! 

If you aren’t already, join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community to build bridges rather than walls.

And download The Compassion Code Starter Guide to begin your journey of compassion, starting with yourself.

Over the last few weeks I have felt this tremendous need and desire to complain. Have you ever felt that way?

As you may have read in my recent email, I am in the middle of a huge life transition—a move across country. While we already made it to Austin, I am still feeling unsettled. 

While I know and understand as well as anyone that moving is a massive grieving experience because it is the epitome of the definition of grief: “the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior,” I also feel that old “should” creeping in.

“Shouldn’t I feel excited and grateful?”

The truth is, I am excited and grateful, and I am also sad and uncertain… among many other feelings.

So I asked myself, “What need does complaining fulfill that is not being met right now?”

Here was my answer: I spent so much of my life looking at the bright side that I rarely gave myself permission to complain or grieve.

Complaining is necessary sometimes and can be redefined as venting, releasing, or feeling ALL the feels.

As the complainer or venter, often we just need someone else to hear, acknowledge and validate us by saying, “Thank you for sharing. That sounds hard.”

As the complainer, it sucks to feel negative, low, or like a downer, AND I have come to realize that when I am able to vent, the feelings pass through me much more quickly.

So, if you are like me, and you just need to complain or vent, I suggest you find a safe person who will not judge or try to fix you and say, “Would you mind giving me a safe place to vent for the next 5 minutes? I need to let some things out. You don’t have to fix it or offer advice; all I need is for you to say, “Thank you for sharing, and your feelings are valid.”

As I have been thinking about this unmet desire to complain, I realized that it comes from the fact that there isn’t much space for it. People, including me, want optimism. But where do you put all the other stuff? The gunk. It has to come out somewhere.

I want peace and contentment, but first I must give space for the gunk -- in other words, permission to feel all of my feelings.

Here are the first three steps to move from feeling like “life sucks” to feeling gratitude and peace:

1) Recognize that you have gunk that needs to be removed. (Are you complaining a lot? Are you in a bad mood more often than normal? Are you short with people you love?)

2) Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and normal. 

3) Vent. This can be to a safe, non-judgmental listening ear (preferably not someone who will be hurt by what you are saying) or a piece of paper that can receive your words and then be destroyed! The thing is, you have to let it ALL out.

Once you have awareness about what is in there and let it out, then you can take some action to fill yourself back up.

Filling yourself up is unique for everyone. So ask yourself, “what fills me up?” or “what has helped me feel better in the past?”

Here is what I do:

1) Sleep. Whether it is a nap or a full night of uninterrupted sleep, I need it. I wake up a new human.

2) Exercise or movement. Whether I walk, jump, dance, yoga, squat or swim, movement always helps move things through my body.

3) Nutritious food. Feeding myself nourishing, energizing food helps me feel good in my body. While traditional comfort foods have me feeling good in the moment, I limit them when under stress because I tend to feel worse after.

4) Connection and community. Whether it is a text, a phone call or a distanced walk, being in connection with people who fill my cup helps me reset.

5) Healthy touch. Whether it is self massage or a cuddle with my husband, kids, a stuffed animal (or if you have a pet), physical touch helps me come back to life.

6) A good laugh. Be it with friends, family, kids, or clients – no matter who or what, my body loves to laugh.

7) A good cry. Be it with friends, family, kids, or clients – no matter who or what, my body appreciates a good cry. I will even watch a sad movie if I need some help to get it out.

8) Creativity. I love to write, sing, dance, color, and draw, and I can even include others. This helps me be really present.

9) Sunshine and water. I love being outside with sunshine and water. My body loves to be warm.

10) Flow. For me, my work is my happy place because it gives me purpose and helps me feel like my best self.

What fills you up? Feel free to use anything I shared!!

If connection and community is your thing, then join us in Living The Compassion Code, our free Facebook community where you can begin connecting with others who value compassion, relationship, and connection. 

AND if you feel like your grief is big and you are ready to rediscover your light after loss, please schedule a Light After Loss Initial Consultation.

I'm sorry.

I'm usually a woman of my word, and I was not.  

Just a few weeks ago, I said that next week we were launching The Compassion Collective, a place where you can feel supported while you support others, and I meant it.

And then life happened.

Not sure if you know this, but my family and I are moving across country.

That's right, we are saying goodbye and see you later to our beautiful community and life in Hood River, Oregon to return to the place where Ayla was born, Austin,Texas. You may have thoughts, feelings, questions, and maybe even judgments, and that is okay. 

The truth is CHANGE can be HARD and CONFUSING, even when we choose it. This is a perfect example of the definition of grief we use at The Grief Recovery Institute, "the conflicting feelings that come at the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior." As Ayla, my 5.5 year old daughter so eloquently put it, "moving comes with a mixture of emotions. I feel sad, and I feel excited. I even feel scared."

She couldn't have described my feelings more accurately. Now, moving with all the grief it includes does not take into account officiating my sister-in-law's (and now brother-in-law’s) Covid compliant wedding, saying goodbye to our nanny, oh and don't forget a global pandemic and the social change afoot... no wonder I have been all over the emotional map. 

Taking one baby step each day and being present to ALL of my feelings is literally the best I can do at this point.

Did I mention we have a 2 and 5 year old?!

As I write this I almost feel a sense of pride for how well we are doing and feeling it all.  

So coming back to my integrity and feeling the need to apologize. I had every intention to begin The Compassion Collective at the end of July (3 days before our lease ended) and then I realized just because I CAN, does not mean I SHOULD. 

What I wanted -- to launch, to grow the world's compassionate communication and connection, to give you support in your tough conversation, and the list goes on.

What I needed – to slow down, take a breath, focus on my family, moving, my officiating duties, and ultimately postpone the open door date to The Collective community by a few weeks (I will be announcing the new start date soon!)

Since another thing I stand for is self-compassion, and taking care of myself so I can more effectively care for others... this did feel aligned.

So there you have it.

I apologize for saying one thing and doing another. AND I appreciate your compassion for me and my experience.

What I hope you gain from this email is PERMISSION to take care of yourself, as well as permission to apologize. It is never too late to say sorry, and it does require some humility:).

If you have no idea what I am talking about with The Compassion Collective, check it out here.

Here's my intention once we get settled in a couple weeks: we do what we said, and we launch The Compassion Collective Community Membership, a place where we will make my tools and guidance easy and accessible for more people... people who genuinely care about others and who just don’t feel 100% confident navigating those big emotional or confrontational situations with ease.

Because let's face it, every day we are faced with uncomfortable conversations that would benefit from a little extra compassion. This includes topics like social distancing, boundaries, school leadership, virtual connection, navigating family relationships, and communicating feelings of vulnerability, insecurity, grief, and anxiety in times of uncertainty. 

Walking my talk means having this tough conversation and others, loving myself even when I unintentionally disappoint others, apologizing for my part, and then working to continue evolving and improving along the way.

Thanks for your support, love, and understanding through this transition.

Join the waitlist at www.laurajack.com/waitlist if you haven't already, and we will begin our journey together soon.

Below is the couple I had the privilege to officiate for this past weekend. They are as beautiful inside as they are outside.